mariamusic

and I like this music

Sitting and waiting for the “repairing guy” repaying my home’s telephone which has been dead for a week or more, I thought to leave a note or make a posting on my blog saying “hi” to my blog friends.

Life has been good and bad recently, but I survived the bad times, and I enjoyed the good ones.

I am supposed to be asleep but I am not. Yes, it is morning to be sleeping, but I am on my last moments on my vacation before the school starts, and I am used to sleep in the morning till at least 9 am. Oh well, I thought why not to write a posting on my blog while I am awake. The point is I do not know what about, so I suppose I will just be rambling along.

I have been watching lots of movies lately. I used to go to the theatres quite a bit before, but I stopped going to it due to “other people’s perspective” that going to movies is a waste of money. How sad to be in hands of others and realize what I did was a waste… is not it? Which is another story for another time for itself, I re-started going to the movies by going to the movie, “The Dark Knight” couple of weeks ago. I so much enjoyed the environment and the movie that I continued watching the recently made and released movies, to name some, I watched, “Mamma Mia”, “Pineapple Express,” “The Mummy…..” “Sisterhood of Traveling Pants,” “Hancock,” “Step Brothers,” “Get Smart,” “Swing Vote” and more.

I have a lot to say about the movies in general, but one clear point for me was the involvement of Farsi, the language that Irani people speak, in the movies. I heard the Farsi in three of the most recent Hollywood released movies, and in two of them the Farsi spoken people were the bad guys while in one of them the Farsi spoken people were good people. In none of the movies Iran was directly said or pointed out while Russia was, for instance. Maybe, I was too sensitive, or may be I captured an interesting point. Now with all the war between Georgia and Russia, and the nuclear problem with Iran, it is interesting to watch what movies tell to ordinary people, and what will be the real out come. Shall wait and see.

Anyhow, taking a huge step out of that “political quick sand”, I, yesterday, watched a very good movie, perhaps one of the bests of the most released ones, written and directed by Woody Allen. Go and watch it if you like movies. The movie is simple and complicated at the same time; it is entertaining while thought stimulating, and it is silly while serious. “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” is a movie worth watching.


The Moon. I liked how white it was on a black spread sheet.

I have been out a lot these past ten days or so. My therapist thinks I am responding to the anti-depressant medicine while my psychiatrist thinks it is a placebo effect! Which ever, I do not really care. I like it that I feel like I am slowly getting my real self back.

Anyway, Last Thursday I ran in to an
“Old Car” show which I thought was cool, but I figured out today, this Thursday, that the show is held each single Thursday of the week till almost the end of the summer.

Here are some photos of the show, and how crowded it gets for a small but pretty suburb.








Anyway, on one day on my way back to home, I was tired and I was hot. The weather was too hot to walk, so I thought to stop at a bar in which I had little to no clue of. All I used to see of the bar was a wall and a door, so I used to avoid it. However, curiosity and thirst and tiredness encouraged me to have a look inside. To my surprise, the place was fine. Two pool, or billiard, tables, a juke box and other entraining toys and a very pleasant and polite bar tender were the first things I noticed. The people who played pool seemed to be good at what they were doing, so I enjoyed watching them play.

After a while, some one sat next to me since the bar was pretty full and crowded. He was a middle aged guy. I suppose that is how it goes, but he introduced himself and we shook hands. So we started to talk from here and there! He was surprised of my back-ground and very curious about Iran to which, I responded and answered his questions the best I could.
Before I go on, this is a bit of the conversation which took place:

He: Are you Italian?
Me: No, I am Persian.
He: But, Persian includes many countries.
Me: I am from the main Persia. I am from Iran.

Anyway, long story short, he told me that it was nice to have a normal conversation with a normal person.

Here goes the dialogue:

He: It is nice to have a normal conversation with a normal person, do you know what I mean?
Me: No.
He: Girls in bars usually are after your pocket or you pants.
Me:'mute'
He: Do you know what I mean?
Me: Yes.
He: You are a nice person.
He: Be careful.
Me: Thanks for the advice.

Here I am the Normal person who engages in Normal conversations!!! BOY…who is Normal???????

I had a nice walk this morning, and here are some photos of some flowers I saw on my way. I do not know their names, but I enjoy looking at them.







I realized at times I was following my own shadow.

I had a major fight this morning, fighting these thoughts. I am doomed if I go out, and I am doomed if I stay in. I had to force myself to not listen and follow the urge of crashing my car to those hills when I was driving. I was not sure if the accident would get the job done, kill me that is, otherwise perhaps I would do it. No other person would get hurt, and the misery would end.

Before I leave, I, even, did the exercise my therapist taught me, but it did not work. Nothing beats that thought of “die and end it”. I am such a disgusting person that I deserve no life. I can not live. Living is very difficult to do. I must die. I wish I had cancer or had a heart-attack and died. I try to move, but when I move, I want to die. I walked one day morning, and then the next morning when I was tired to walk, I kept blaming myself for not getting out of the house and walking. I do not let myself rest a bit. I am continuously criticizing myself, blaming myself for not being active, productive, alive, successful, useful, helping, charming, rich, thin, sexy, attractive, communicative, intelligent, artistic, sensitive, beautiful, and you name it.

I do not say “well done, I walked one day this week,” I say “damn me. I am lazy, I have to walk” It is far easier for me to neglect my successes and pay attention to my failures. All I see of me is failures.

I am just hanging in there. I did not kill myself while driving today, but I had to fight the thought. I am holding up to it untill I see my therapist tomorrow. I am not sure I will ever get well. She said she sees no reason why I could not get well. I want to believe her, but I am a mess.