mariamusic

I never broke my promises with you,dear aunt. The greatest. I never did. You never hugged me dearly, I never did too. You never looked at me warmly, I never did too. I was always the one standing at the corner of the room and watching you doing stuff, I never did anything for myself too.

You were the one who always feed everyone, I did too. You were the one who showed me how to eat, I did too. You taught me the binge, I well learned and stayed your slave...I never broke our promises. I never allowed mom enter the house. I never opened the door to her. I never became a woman like her. I always did as you were.

See how well I had chosen the people of my life. I brought them all in my life, so I could be you again, so they would help me to stay with you again. my teacher never hugged me too, my husband knew nothing of gentleness...neither I did took a gentle care of me & my body.

See how well I stayed that lazy crazy child so I could make you more important and necessary for my survival. See how well I stay a vague, slow mind so you could think for me.See how well, I make me fat so you can live in me. See how well I break the contracts so you can stay alive...see how well I do them all....see how well I take revenge of all human kind, men and women instead of you, so you can rest. See how well I keep you strong, alive, powerful, meaningful, important,,,, see how well I am keeping you the GREATEST!!!! See how well I support you, See how well I help you make sense...see how well I am giving myself all to you, see how well I am devoted...See what a great slave I am!!!!!

So now, are you going to be my mom?

Saw how well he beat me up, Saw how well I made that stage alive. Saw how well I made him as you and me as your girl. Did you see it? Do you remember how well Shahnam beat me up the last time. Do you remember my house's broken door, broken chair, broken lights....my injured face and ear, my tired bruised arms and leg.. Didn't they all tell you that night's tail, that tragedy? Saw how well I took care of my dad, as you always did too. See how well I helped you. Saw how well I became you. See how well I did all.

See how unable I am to experience the freedom so I beg you to let a go of me. see how well I keep you the GREATEST. See how unable I keep myself to hug me, so I put the blame on you that you never did , therefore I never learned. See how well I hate.

See how well I swallow my madness, See how well I swallow my tears, See how well I hide myself behind a veil. A veil is a veil...I have to be not known, not understood, not hugged, not accepted, not respected, not desired, not alive, not important, not belong, not be me, not feel me, not stay me........ So you make sense.



Tehran,Iran,March2003