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Saturday, March 31, 2007
influential?
I'm not sure why I am putting this on my blog, but here I go:
I dropped my English course because I realized I didn't learn how to write or communicate well in English. I didn't learn what I wanted or expected, so I dropped the course. Interesting enough, I realized how depressed, tired, negative and hopeless my essays were when I re-read them.
Below is an example. On a topic to write about an influential person, I again chose my ex-husband and wrote how negatively he impacted me.
anyhow,if you wish take it, as i do to take the below in order to wrap up the March 07 postings, I suppose.
______________________________________________________________________
My Ex-husband
Many people walk in and out of our lives, but there are quite a few of them who make remarkable impacts on us. While some make positive influences, others make negative ones. Because being his wife was my worst nightmare, my ex-husband was one of them.
I met my ex-husband when I was twenty years old. I dated him for seven months before my father insisted we marry because the social culture in Iran wouldn’t accept any other relationships between young women and men but matrimonies at that time. My marriage lasted for six years, and as I recall, it was seventy-two months of hassling. My ex-husband was the worst person I ever knew.
His jealousy was unreasonable. It was common in Iranian culture to have a jealous husband, but his attitude was extremely crossing the line. For example, the first year of our marriage, on New Year’s Eve, he refused to speak with me in front of our guests at a party in order to show he was angry. I was embarrassed, and on the other hand, I was confused. I had no idea that he was upset because I danced. He stated later that I should not have danced unless I danced with him. His jealousy wasn’t only toward me and my behaviors, but it also extended to other people. For instance, he used to play tennis, and he would go to the club with his friend. One day he lost his game while his friend won. He was so envious that he didn’t congratulate his friend, and he wished that his friend was sick, so he would lose too.
Secondly, he was egocentric and opportunistic. He was the center of the universe, or the sun rose from the west. For instance, he always had to have his annual birthday parties, but mine were easily forgotten. On his birthdays, because he was having fun, I was the one who was preparing, cooking, serving and cleaning. Likewise, he used to take advantage of any chances and people for his own benefit. When my father was struggling with cancer and the treatment, as an example, he was already planning about what he wanted to do with the inheritance.
Furthermore, he was careless. I had a part-time job, so I wasn’t making enough money to pay for some of my personal expenses, but he never supported me financially. As a result, my father had to help me. Being the irresponsible husband he was, whenever we had a date, he was late. One Friday night, I waited an hour in the main street for him to pick me up. He didn’t apologize. But he had an excuse; the traffic was heavy, or he would have been on time.
Last but not least, in many critical situations, he changed the scenario in a way, so that I was the guilty person. For instance, I didn’t like funeral ceremonies, and it was his mother’s brother-in-law’s funeral. He told me that it wasn’t crucial to attend the ceremony, so I didn’t. When his mother realized I wasn’t there, she became upset because she took it as an offense. He didn’t make it clear for his mother, but adapted to her notion and put the blame on me that I did not respect his mother, and I didn’t attend the ceremony for that reason.
His personality traits had such negative influences on me that for quite a few years after our divorce, I was horrified to get involved in any relationship with men. Although I struggled for years in order to be able to trust men again, I was glad to understand that I never exercised what he did to me upon others. Nevertheless, I learned unforgettable lessons as well; I discovered people live in various ways, and I had options to choose my way of life.
22:30 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (6) | Email this
Friday, March 30, 2007
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear Maryam.
I'm officially 36 years old today.
(March 30, or Farvardin 10)
Happy Birthday to me, dear Maryam.
11:40 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (6) | Email this
Saturday, March 24, 2007
reflecting
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
23:51 Posted in Music | Permalink | Comments (4) | Email this
Thursday, March 22, 2007
my guest map
Thanking to www interactions, which introduced the "my guest map" site to me, I added the link (be my guest) on the left hand sidebar of my blog.
So I invite all you people, who visit my blog, to play and pin your location on my guests map.
mariam.
15:35 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (8) | Email this
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Norouz
Happy Norouz to me.
Happy New year of 1386.
Maryam.
the flower Maryam, my name.
16:45 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (8) | Email this
Monday, March 12, 2007
right or wrong?
I was called to go and talk with my mother because earlier this morning she called 911 (or is it 199) to get medical attention as she felt ill.
People complained on her behavior that she shouldn't call 911 becuase the sheriff got angry, and the people who run the place she lives in didn't like what she did, and so forth. What a false way of reasonning for them I thought. She does absolutly the right thing to do call out for help when she is ill that is. Her problem wasn't that behavior, but her problem was what caused her to do that which believe it or not others, such as medinces, are responsible for it.
Delusional thoughts and illusions are her problems. She experiences hallucinations, and they are quite real to her.
"I'm going to die, so I seek help" is a very natural attitude. Despite of what others may think or say, I'm glad she seeks out help. I told this to her social worker aswell.
Atleast one person, I, told my mom, "well done, there was nothing wrong with what you decided to do."
21:53 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (3) | Email this
have you done that?
When I met my ex, for instance, i didn't fall in love with him, but I became excited that a guy was showing interest to me. I became excited that I was wanted by a guy. and a tough guy. Actually, the tougher the better because I would had more chance and space to change in him. Yup, same old story of being a change hero.
How many times and how many of us have done that? How many times we have tricked ourself into doing or being some one else just because we thought our needs were going to be met by the other person? Such as an unwanted person being wanted all of the sudden by some one else? impossible.
(A person who has been rejected when a child is going to experience being rejected over and over again unless the early childhood problem is resolved.)
How many times, on the other hand, we have done things like hugging ourselves?
12:10 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (4) | Email this
Monday, March 05, 2007
good to be not a ...
Recently, I've been reading blogs more than posting on my blog. I was too tired to do that. I was too disappointed to do that. I was too restless to do that, and I was too not-ok to do that.
As many of you, readers of this blog, may know, I'm going to school studying in a language I've not learned before. Learning the language itself is tough enough on me I realize, so what's the point on making it harder on myself by expecting a lot from me?
Sometimes, it is good to be a not perfect. Sometimes, it is good to be humble enough to say, " I can't," or, " I'm not prepared enough" some societies may reject me,, but i'm sure there are others which would eccept my imperfections.
It is good to be not a super ......
19:30 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (10) | Email this