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Friday, March 14, 2008
My Ex-Husband the Bully
Many people walk in and out of our lives, but there are a very few who make intensive negative impressions on us. Since being his wife was my worst nightmare, I think my ex-husband was one of them. Dictionary.com defines bully, “a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people,” and to me, it means my ex-husband. I met my ex-husband when I was twenty years old. I dated him for seven months before my father insisted we marry because the social culture in Iran did not accept relationships between young women and men other than marriage at that time. My marriage lasted for six years, and as I recall, it was seventy-two months harassment. My ex-husband was the worst person I ever knew, and the living definition of a bully.
My ex-husband’s jealousy was unreasonable. It was common in Iranian culture to have a jealous husband, but his attitude was extreme, and crossed the line. For example, the first year of our marriage, on New Year’s Eve, he refused to speak with me in front of our guests at a party. I was embarrassed, and on the other hand, I was confused since I had no idea why he was upset. Later, I discovered he was angry because I danced with other men. He stated that I should never have danced unless I danced with him. His jealousy not only harmed me, but it also extended to other people. For instance, he used to play tennis. I remember a day that he lost his game while his friend won. He was so envious that not only did he not congratulate his friend, but he also wished his friend would get sick, and lose.
Secondly, he was egocentric and opportunistic. He was the center of the universe, or the sun rose from West. For instance, he always had to have his annual birthday parties while mine were easily forgotten. On his birthdays, I prepared, cooked, served and cleaned, so he could have fun. Furthermore, he was insensitive with our money. I had a part-time job, and I was not making enough money to pay for some of my personal expenses, but he never supported me financially. As a result, my father provided for my finances, so that I did not have more troubles than I already had. Likewise, he used to take advantage of any situation and people for his own benefit. When my father was struggling with cancer, as an example, he was planning about the inheritance.
Being a bully, in many critical situations, he changed the scenario in a way, so that I was the faulty person. For instance, I did not like funeral ceremonies, but it was his mother’s brother-in-law’s funeral. He told me that it was not crucial to attend the ceremony, so I did not. When his mother realized I did not attend the ceremony, she took it as an offense and became upset. He did not clarify the situation for his complaining mother but adopted her notion and put the blame on me. Therefore, when he came back home, he fought with me. Shouting that I did not attend the ceremony in order to humiliate his mother, he slammed on my face.
He proved his violence when he attacked me physically. He hurt me so badly that I put him in jail in order to have a document for the court. I had filed for divorce. We were already living separately, and I was home from seeing my lawyer that night. He called me, but I hung up on him because, as usual, he was fighting with me. He was stating that he was the powerful one in our relationship, and if he did not wish it, I would never be free. I did not want to continue the conversation, and my lawyer recommended as little contact as possible. Failing to bully me through the phone, he drove to my place. He banged and yelled at the front door. I told him I did not want to argue with him under that situation. Nonetheless, he climbed the wall. He broke my apartment’s door, and the last thing I recall is that I was being beaten up. I screamed for help, and the neighbors gathered around at my front door. My body was bruised and swollen; my left ear lost its ability to hear for a week; above and beyond my wounded body, my soul ached.
His bullying personality had such negative impacts on me that for quite a few years after our divorce, I was horrified to get involved in any relationship. I moved in to a new neighborhood in order to protect myself from his possible attacks. Men in general seemed scary, abusive and violent. However, I had to heal and move on with my life. I struggled for years in order to be able to trust men again, but I was proud that I never enforced what he did to me upon others. Nevertheless, I learned an unforgettable lesson. I learned people select the ways they live. Disliking my choice, I had options to change my way of life, and I did.
Work Cited
“Bully.” Dictionary.com. 2008. 5 March. 2008 < http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bully >.
19:10 Posted in My Blog | Permalink | Comments (4) | Email this
Comments
I am glad you left him. He sounds like my ex, too.
Posted by: Lynn | Sunday, March 16, 2008
I left him way behond Lynn. He is history, and only exists in my memory.
Maryam.
Posted by: mariam | Sunday, March 16, 2008
Oh Maryam, you are so strong that you fought back and you found your way to change everything for better for yourself.
Happy new year..wish the best for you.
Hugs,
Tee
Posted by: Tee | Monday, March 17, 2008
I am glad you were able to leave him too.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, April 02, 2008