mariamusic

"OMG that is expensive", I thought.

I had to pay 250.00$$ out of pocket for my first psychiatry session and if I needed to continue ninty, for each furthur sessions. I told the receiptienist that I will think it through.


I thought i could see the therapist on thursday the third of july first, so perhaps we could work something else out. Secondly, I saw a coupld of paitients and a couple of the doctors, and I did not like their looks. They seemed rude to the patients feeling so superior that they are mentall illness free or the healthy ones. I ,also, do not know what the medicine does for me.....so anyway I decided to wait till Thursday to speak with the therapist first.

I am still alive. I drove my car. I took a bath. I read a little. I posted some insights. I watched a nice movie. I read some blogs. I kept my curtains open. I enjoyed the sunlight. And I am still awake.

I just spoke and made my first counseling session with a therapist. She has a very busy schedule, but we managed to find a time, so we could work through my problems. We spoke, and she suggested that I, also, see a psychiatrist for my depression and suicidal thoughts. I have not yet acted completely on those thoughts, but she still asked me to do see the psichiatrist meanwhile, and I told her I will stay around up till we meet. I was nice to hear someone telling me that is important that I stay alive.

How did I find her? Well first of all she is not a transactional analyst. It is almost impossible to find one here where I am living in. So I just went on with what my insurance offers and found an office. I went to that office, and I sat around a bit, and I looked and read the flyers and business cards, and I chose one. I already like her after our first phone call because she seems to be ok with my craziness.

So Up-till our first session my mission is to stay alive.

One Step at a time.

People are not diagnose with particular mental disease in Transactional Analysis. However, since I appear to operate mainly from I am not ok, you are ok (depressive position or get away from) to the I am not-ok, you are not-ok (why not die or get nowhere with position) I recall it my depression.

My Depression

We all read and hear about depression, but I can tell you how it feels whenI feel like I am getting a bit better.

First of all, no “get well” or “stop being depressed” from people helps. In fact, they make it worse. Any attempt to "fix" me will add to the stamps of "I am bad"! or something is wrong with me.

Second, in my case, I find no solution to being the “bad” one, but to die. I am bad, and nothing, even the “option article”, does help.
I only need a hero to love me and tell me that I am ok and it is not the end of the world.

Third, I over eat. In my case, I eat huge amounts of food while I am not hungry. I shut the door, shut the lights off, and I cut any touch with outside world. I am almost dead. I see no good in me to be alive. I even feel guiltier because all the people are so good and productive but me. And I am the un-thankful one for “after all they have done for me” I am still a loser.



What can I say? What can I do? None. I better not exists, so then they might love me.

It seems that I just discovered the best way to deal with a guy whom of I had no especial feelings for. I told him the first time that he requested to be friends that I was interested in pure friendship and nothing more. But heaven knows what he wanted.

I do not recall trying to remember Farsi before as quickly as I did when I spoke with him in order to defend myself. He justified his way of speaking as using jokes but the jokes were rather un-polite and humiliating than funny. He finished it a few hours ago by asking me not in a straight way to have sex with as if I was a toy.


I know not a way of how to translate his conversations with me from Farsi into English, but I do recall that I have met some Iranian men like him, and I never really enjoyed their companies.

For example, I was feeling sick quite a few days past week as I always do when I get depressed. But he calls and leaves me a message, "Chi shodi? Mordi?" which some what means, "what happened? Are you dead yet?"

I told him that I then understood why his wife requested a divorce which he took as an offense on my part.

I am not saying that all Iranian men are like him. He just reminded me of THE "put-downs" that I had almost forgotten. farsi speaking, "Zaboonesh Zahr Daasht".

A contamination occur when the clear Adult reality and factual testing is emerged with the Parent (beliefs) or Child (emotions) ego-state. Schizophrenics in my view, show the vast possible contaminations. Here is a conversation I had this morning with my mom who is a schizo...;

Me: No, I am not going to drive you up all the way to the Oceanside. I am sick. My stomach aches for ( some good feminine reasons).

She: Reghl (a farsi word) shodi?

Me; yes, and I am in pain, so I want to go home and rest.

She: Those who have unbalanced personalities have pain when they are reghl.

Me: (Looking at her and wondering where that thought could have come up from) saying nothing.

She: you should eat chicken.

Me: (saying nothing again, and just staring at her).

She: Why did not you wash your hair this morning?

Me: (speechless again).

She: Should I give some of these chickens to Juan(her friend who is always hungry).

Me: (wondering what to say)

She: Ok, you go!



{And then my uncle, her brother, tells me the other day that my mother has insights or ESPs since she said (knew) her brother was dying when he was dying.(his contamination) }

I felt even lonelier than ever, and when I came back home, I over-ate in order to resolve the loneliness (my contamination).

half empty?





Sometimes, telling people to have a look at the half full of the glass depends on the size of the glass.

Blogspirit was down. I am not sure if it is up now, but I am posting...

I wonder what has changed.

ciao.
M.

I thought this was great.



I like the music, and they made it fun!! enjoy.

Introversion as means of being quiet

If nothing, the blogland taught me something about my self. I am quiet and picky. I do not say much about myself. Each time I think of making a posting, I wonder if I am being too open.


I find it the most difficult task to talk! go figure.

I hope it is a temporarily situation.