mariamusic

walking scenes

2008-07-23T17:56:21-07:00

I had a nice walk this morning, and here are some photos of some flowers I saw on my way. I do not know their names, but I enjoy looking at them.

I realized at times I was following my own shadow.

A very down morning

2008-07-21T15:57:43-07:00

I had a major fight this morning, fighting these thoughts. I am doomed if I go out, and I am doomed if I stay in. I had to force myself to not listen and follow the urge of crashing my car to those hills when I was driving. I was not sure if the accident would get the job done, kill me that is, otherwise perhaps I would do it. No other person would get hurt, and the misery would end.

Before I leave, I, even, did the exercise my therapist taught me, but it did not work. Nothing beats that thought of “die and end it”. I am such a disgusting person that I deserve no life. I can not live. Living is very difficult to do. I must die. I wish I had cancer or had a heart-attack and died. I try to move, but when I move, I want to die. I walked one day morning, and then the next morning when I was tired to walk, I kept blaming myself for not getting out of the house and walking. I do not let myself rest a bit. I am continuously criticizing myself, blaming myself for not being active, productive, alive, successful, useful, helping, charming, rich, thin, sexy, attractive, communicative, intelligent, artistic, sensitive, beautiful, and you name it.

I do not say “well done, I walked one day this week,” I say “damn me. I am lazy, I have to walk” It is far easier for me to neglect my successes and pay attention to my failures. All I see of me is failures.

I am just hanging in there. I did not kill myself while driving today, but I had to fight the thought. I am holding up to it untill I see my therapist tomorrow. I am not sure I will ever get well. She said she sees no reason why I could not get well. I want to believe her, but I am a mess.

GTM and give away tickets

2008-07-20T16:10:52-07:00

I have been listening to the Magic 92.5 for quite a while. It is a, and only San Diego’s old school FM radio station. I like the songs because they are familiar and far smoother to my ears from the majority of the new released ones. Any way, there was an announcement on it about a furniture discount at the GTM store.

A GTM store is a discount store. It is not a thrift store because the materials which are sold are not second handed, but they are mostly stocks. Therefore the prices are cheaper than regular stores. Now, you have a 30 percent discount on already low prices; hence, you would imagine the crowd shopping there.

That particular GTM store is fairly close to where I live, and the good bit for me was that the Magic was going to have a station there and give away free tickets for concerts or shows to shoppers. Of course they would draw and pick the lucky ones, and not all the shoppers would win an additional prize. On my part, however, I went there because I wanted to see how crowded it would get, and I wanted to see the person I hear her voice almost every day on the radio.

Here are some that I captured.

I had to go there twice in order to be able to find a space to park my car. It was very very very crowded the first time that I drove through the parking lot. It took me about half an hour to just drive through it, and get out of there. I, almost, gave up, but the curiosity drove me to that place again. I arrived when she was drawing some names, and giving away the free tickets.

I did not buy anything, but the trip worth the try. I observed

Sad News

2008-07-18T20:38:22-07:00

Khosro Shakibai was one of the best contributors in Iran's art, especially in Cinema. He died from Heart attack July 18th, 2008.

ghoori

2008-07-15T21:29:38-07:00

The ghoori or teapot my aunt sent for me from Tehran.

Then, Dye Your Hair

2008-07-14T00:28:05-07:00

My brother said today that he was feeling terrible with his gray hairs as they were shown that he was getting old.

"looking at these gray hairs upset me all last year," he said. He said he did not like people congratulating him on his thirtiest birthday this year. Apparently some one, ok one of our cousins who lives in Chicago, emailed him with this context, "Happy Birthday Old Man!"

I thought those were all so naive.

However, the funny bit accured when I suggested, "Then, dye your hair" after I heard how much his gray strings of hair were making him uncomfortable.
He and my cousin both went like, "aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, naaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh" as if I suggested him to transgender.

Five minutes trouble, and all the problems were solved if our hair color makes us old.

chai khoran

2008-07-13T21:26:32-07:00

This was sent to my from my aunt who is living in Tehran. I actually asked for it, and she sent me a ghoori or a teapot.

This photo is not of the teapot that she sent me.

I will scan the photo i took of it if it comes out ok, the one she sent me that is.

Ok, now I need a persian Samovar to make tea. But i love my gift.

Here you see, the persian Samovar was even printed on stamps.

These days the majority of Samovars are electrical, but before we used to have some called Nafti which worked with Naft (someone translates it) , and some were called Zoghali which worked with Carbon...
As you see the teapot goes on the top of the Samovar, and the best tea was made when the teapot was heated up empty while the water was getting boiled in the Samovar. I do not remember the name of that little bowl down there, but it was for wasted tea, water and so forth. Also, as I remember, the best tea was poured in an estekan, or those little glasses which were first rinsed with the Samovar's boiled water.

Some examples of Tea Estekans

this what she wrote on the teapot box.

it says, "My Dear Maryam" and signed "Ammeh" or "Auntie"

Well, every one in the family calls her Ammeh. Some even say Ammeh Khanoom, or Lady Auntie or something like that. If you say Ammeh, every one knows whom you are talking about or referring to. Is it not interesting?

I am still happy with my gifts from Tehran.

A fine Sunday

2008-07-13T20:21:24-07:00

I was nervous this morning since I did not know what to expect, a series of Critical comments, or a nice meeting with my brother and my cousin. My cousin is here in USA on vacation from Iran, and my brother has brought him down to town to see the San Diego, they wanted to visit me and my mother as well. To my surprise, I actually enjoyed my time with them.

I had not seen my cousin for three years, and I had not seen my brother for six months or more. We went to a Persian deli for lunch and my mom had a ground beef kabob with rice for lunch,

and I had bread and cheese

but with cucumber and tomato.

My brother had taken my cousin for an American breakfast, so they arrived when we were done with our lunch. It was marvelous to see them. I was so happy to see me cousin that I told him he brought the home with himself. I had tons of gifts from Iran. We sat down and had a drink together. No alcohol of course, my mom and cousin had Cokes while my brother and I drank water. It was nice when my cousin talked about his childhood memories with my mom (I probably was not even born then), and it was nice to see how he chuckled when my mom talked. He said my mother had not changed too much to not be recognized. He had not seen my mom for more than fifteen years. Life has it ways does not it?

We then drove back with my brothers newly, cool and modernized black BMW, and I enjoyed watching the roads and not being the driver. We took my mom back to her place, and then we went to San Diego’s harbor, and the Balboa Park. While driving, I asked my cousin that if people still drive crazy in Tehran? He said that sure they do. He said if he, as a driver, wanted to follow the rules, he would have accidents. I chuckled. Then my brother told this story; he said that he gave his car to our cousin to drive as changing drivers and my cousin miss stop signs. I thought was very funny, and my cousin responded, “well how I should have known? I even did not see the signs.”

The Harbor view

We walked a little at the harbor, but they did not have enough time to get out of the car in order to walk in the Balboa Park. Tomorrow they most probably are going to the SD Zoo. They asked if I wanted to go with them to which I said yes. I was glad that I met them, and I was feeling less “cloudy and grey” when I came back home. They are going to New York next week, and I so much wanted to go along. I might buy a ticket and go on a vacation to some new city I thought.

darn

2008-07-12T05:34:44-07:00

I keep telling myself that I will do it tomorrow, but the tomorrow never comes. What will I do? I will live!

She asked me; what is so bad about being able to do things?
Me: I do not know. The thought of it scares me. It is just not me.

I explained and described my family’s behaviors, and in particular on some of them she said that they were being mean. But I had a very low night when I came back home this Thursday.

I made it to go to my dentist on Friday. And I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, too. But I did not want to. I wanted to crawl, eat, and sleep. Sleeping is good because the time passes quickly without noticing when you are asleep.

Anyhow, Saturday is arriving, and I am worried that I have to stay alive another day.

Oh Boy!!!

2008-07-06T23:48:24-07:00

Angelia Jolie's IQ = 136
Jen Aniston's IQ = 112

Those are Face Book's reports!!! No wonder Angelia is pregnant again and she and Brad are almost creating a Nursery!!!
I suppose High IQ does that.

P.S. Just realized that Sharon Stone's IQ is 154... oh boy!!! is it just me in awww or what?