mariamusic

walking scenes

noreply@blogspirit.com (mariamusic) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:56:21 -0700

I had a nice walk this morning, and here are some photos of some flowers I saw on my way. I do not know their names, but I enjoy looking at them.

I realized at times I was following my own shadow.

A very down morning

noreply@blogspirit.com (mariamusic) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:45:00 -0700

I had a major fight this morning, fighting these thoughts. I am doomed if I go out, and I am doomed if I stay in. I had to force myself to not listen and follow the urge of crashing my car to those hills when I was driving. I was not sure if the accident would get the job done, kill me that is, otherwise perhaps I would do it. No other person would get hurt, and the misery would end.

Before I leave, I, even, did the exercise my therapist taught me, but it did not work. Nothing beats that thought of “die and end it”. I am such a disgusting person that I deserve no life. I can not live. Living is very difficult to do. I must die. I wish I had cancer or had a heart-attack and died. I try to move, but when I move, I want to die. I walked one day morning, and then the next morning when I was tired to walk, I kept blaming myself for not getting out of the house and walking. I do not let myself rest a bit. I am continuously criticizing myself, blaming myself for not being active, productive, alive, successful, useful, helping, charming, rich, thin, sexy, attractive, communicative, intelligent, artistic, sensitive, beautiful, and you name it.

I do not say “well done, I walked one day this week,” I say “damn me. I am lazy, I have to walk” It is far easier for me to neglect my successes and pay attention to my failures. All I see of me is failures.

I am just hanging in there. I did not kill myself while driving today, but I had to fight the thought. I am holding up to it untill I see my therapist tomorrow. I am not sure I will ever get well. She said she sees no reason why I could not get well. I want to believe her, but I am a mess.

GTM and give away tickets

noreply@blogspirit.com (mariamusic) — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 09:55:00 -0700

I have been listening to the Magic 92.5 for quite a while. It is a, and only San Diego’s old school FM radio station. I like the songs because they are familiar and far smoother to my ears from the majority of the new released ones. Any way, there was an announcement on it about a furniture discount at the GTM store.

A GTM store is a discount store. It is not a thrift store because the materials which are sold are not second handed, but they are mostly stocks. Therefore the prices are cheaper than regular stores. Now, you have a 30 percent discount on already low prices; hence, you would imagine the crowd shopping there.

That particular GTM store is fairly close to where I live, and the good bit for me was that the Magic was going to have a station there and give away free tickets for concerts or shows to shoppers. Of course they would draw and pick the lucky ones, and not all the shoppers would win an additional prize. On my part, however, I went there because I wanted to see how crowded it would get, and I wanted to see the person I hear her voice almost every day on the radio.

Here are some that I captured.

I had to go there twice in order to be able to find a space to park my car. It was very very very crowded the first time that I drove through the parking lot. It took me about half an hour to just drive through it, and get out of there. I, almost, gave up, but the curiosity drove me to that place again. I arrived when she was drawing some names, and giving away the free tickets.

I did not buy anything, but the trip worth the try. I observed

Sad News

noreply@blogspirit.com (mariamusic) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 20:30:00 -0700

Khosro Shakibai was one of the best contributors in Iran's art, especially in Cinema. He died from Heart attack July 18th, 2008.

ghoori

noreply@blogspirit.com (mariamusic) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:25:00 -0700

The ghoori or teapot my aunt sent for me from Tehran.

Then, Dye Your Hair

noreply@blogspirit.com (mariamusic) — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 21:45:00 -0700

My brother said today that he was feeling terrible with his gray hairs as they were shown that he was getting old.

"looking at these gray hairs upset me all last year," he said. He said he did not like people congratulating him on his thirtiest birthday this year. Apparently some one, ok one of our cousins who lives in Chicago, emailed him with this context, "Happy Birthday Old Man!"

I thought those were all so naive.

However, the funny bit accured when I suggested, "Then, dye your hair" after I heard how much his gray strings of hair were making him uncomfortable.
He and my cousin both went like, "aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, naaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh" as if I suggested him to transgender.

Five minutes trouble, and all the problems were solved if our hair color makes us old.