Friday, March 10, 2006
truth me
The "truth me" to me is nothing more than my being,and mybeing is my body, is my soul...
The "truth me" is what I always used to put behind,what I always used to ignore or forget about.
I have lived my life in a way like there is no end to it; like there is no death.Today I am pretty much aware that like all others alive creators; there is an end to mylife aswell.
I am going to practice living my life like this very moment could be my last,so each inhale of mine be as a new birth.
I am going to live the truth me; that I am from this very ash,earth and my life/time is the "gold".. If there be no Earth there won't be any Gold;this is for sure.
no date available,
suspect written in Tehran
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Saturday, February 25, 2006
War
We all play games.War is one of them.The following describes the way I was seeing a war those days.
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Almost 15 years ago and another month of March.The Red Alarm, strikes, thunders and explosions one after the other, the windows start shaking, sometimes the lights too, the power goes off. phone lines go dead and my dad is fixing out the curtain.
It was few days left to our NewYear,,,,I remember him telling me,:"when you hear the bomb, it means you are still alive..."
No heart warming for those moments,though pretty logic in some ways.
It is now March 2003, and the country which attacked us back then is under fire. Although I'm used to hearing lie news and I never really follow or count on news,specially political ones,yet I'm deeply saddened.
I'm not the same person I used to be and not quite sure of being grateful for my new world's perspective or not,since it is cutting deeper.the sorrow is heavier and the lonliness turns to tears.
People's reaction,the hate,the patterns or in a way what humans are doing to each other.
What comes to mind while following people these days are Dinosaurs. Not quite sure though however I wonder whether those animals treated their kinds the way humans are doing.
How hardly they are resisting before change. How badly they struggle to keep the old patterns,although it is damaging their kinds.How blindly they follow. How deadly they breath.How uselessly they shout. How falsely they use their energy and talent.
It seems that there are blocks putt on blocks,cements on cements,same old rutines,same old closed minds,same old.... just the words has changed.Not much different ways of thinking, Still repeating same old believes that their grands had centuries ago!!!
Is it what cultrue does to humans?Is it what religon does?Is it what education is supposed to do? Is it what 'power' does to humans? Is it what leadership does???Is it? If so no wonder why most of the human beings are more likely to keep marching on the spot,or walking a circle,...than developing.
I guess now I am begining to realize the meaning of what Berne mentioned "...It means there is no hope for human race...."
One has to be way too optimistic to say otherwise,I guess.
Tehran,Iran,March 2003.
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Comments
Re: War
by tonywhite at 05:42AM (PDT) on Sep 18, 2005
Hello Ms Tabrizi,
I found your statement most moving. I live in a western society where we get information about the middle east that one is never sure how accurate it is. The press likes to highlight only certain things and sensationalize other points. It is refreshing to hear from a person who has lived in a middle eastern country and can talk from the point of view of the 'man in the street'. So we get the information first hand, not through the eyes of a journalist and the editor of a newspaper. I hope you keep ,writing about such things.
Tony White
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A Trip to Paris
It was me and Paris and The Millennium and rain and coldness and darkness and Joan Osborne's Relish Album and the Song "one of us."
One of those very strange ,amusing adventures of mine...right on for some other ride? or maybe......... oh name it anything you wish.
"just if God was one of us...." and tears running and me walking in Paris', the most mysterious streets and would never allow anything take those moments away from me...only me and only by me.
And then it is like you are floating, like you are walking on the clouds, like when you are all by yourself, sitting in one of those Cafe, and only enjoying your coffee and an Apple Tart....and thinking that was it...an other chapter,small, but another one of my life.Or the time that you would search and find American Cafe's and happy hours and then DJs would appear and dancing and dancing..... walking back to home at 4 am,while enjoying the french fries with mustard and so...! All Alone.
At first started as an escapism from my therapy and Iran. The pressure were alot. Me divorced and just the dad died and all other pressures and I only wanted a way out. A friend helped and I could get a 10 weeks Visa to visit France (Europe). WOW... how was that???
Entering France while I didn't know even one French word...oh no, I did know "merci"...and that was it.
Moving from one place to the other, finding ways to survive and learning to talk..which I really couldn't and you know what, I was defined as a Genie once in Alliance Francias...which made me think there might be something wrong with them ,since I was one the most stupid ones in those classes to my eyes.
Well it was not much left to Januray 2000 that a friend of mine, which I made through internet came along. It was almost 3 weeks after I had started some Advanced Training Aerobics Instructing classes there and I was 'fit' again and happy.
The Newyear night was something for itself and myself. We were almost a bit late . Eiffel Tower was wonderful and we both almost drunk and had forgotten to bring our Champaign.... I told her not to worry. We were walking and after all those screaming and celebrating,,,we got our way to a small group of guys drinking their Champaign,,, I was like "Bonne Anne" and I just took the rest of theirs, so we had ours too,and neither she nor those guys could stop laughing. She stayed with me for 3 days and still talks of those days and nights and our adventure.
Then a flight back to Iran while realizing that no matter which part of the World I am, I'm always carrying something inside my skull which is the source of my problems...and have to consider on that more than any other things!!!!
Tehran,Iran
March 2003.
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if God had a name what would it Be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
Yeah ,yeah God is great
Yeah ,Yeah God is good.
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
If God had a face, What would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and Jesus and the Saints
And all the prophets and....
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just tryin to make his way home
No body callin on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
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False Loving
I never broke my promises with you,dear aunt. The greatest. I never did. You never hugged me dearly, I never did too. You never looked at me warmly, I never did too. I was always the one standing at the corner of the room and watching you doing stuff, I never did anything for myself too.
You were the one who always feed everyone, I did too. You were the one who showed me how to eat, I did too. You taught me the binge, I well learned and stayed your slave...I never broke our promises. I never allowed mom enter the house. I never opened the door to her. I never became a woman like her. I always did as you were.
See how well I had chosen the people of my life. I brought them all in my life, so I could be you again, so they would help me to stay with you again. my teacher never hugged me too, my husband knew nothing of gentleness...neither I did took a gentle care of me & my body.
See how well I stayed that lazy crazy child so I could make you more important and necessary for my survival. See how well I stay a vague, slow mind so you could think for me.See how well, I make me fat so you can live in me. See how well I break the contracts so you can stay alive...see how well I do them all....see how well I take revenge of all human kind, men and women instead of you, so you can rest. See how well I keep you strong, alive, powerful, meaningful, important,,,, see how well I am keeping you the GREATEST!!!! See how well I support you, See how well I help you make sense...see how well I am giving myself all to you, see how well I am devoted...See what a great slave I am!!!!!
So now, are you going to be my mom?
Saw how well he beat me up, Saw how well I made that stage alive. Saw how well I made him as you and me as your girl. Did you see it? Do you remember how well Shahnam beat me up the last time. Do you remember my house's broken door, broken chair, broken lights....my injured face and ear, my tired bruised arms and leg.. Didn't they all tell you that night's tail, that tragedy? Saw how well I took care of my dad, as you always did too. See how well I helped you. Saw how well I became you. See how well I did all.
See how unable I am to experience the freedom so I beg you to let a go of me. see how well I keep you the GREATEST. See how unable I keep myself to hug me, so I put the blame on you that you never did , therefore I never learned. See how well I hate.
See how well I swallow my madness, See how well I swallow my tears, See how well I hide myself behind a veil. A veil is a veil...I have to be not known, not understood, not hugged, not accepted, not respected, not desired, not alive, not important, not belong, not be me, not feel me, not stay me........ So you make sense.
Tehran,Iran,March2003
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Scripted Power
Have you ever got to the point in your life that you realize... AH!!! and life makes no sense by losing the dearest old f***** controling part...where would the satisfaction goes then?
Should I just let ..... (something) take the control? instead of my aunt? the big big aunt. the Greatest of the family. my dad's family ofcourse!!
Oh dear could I?
I lied for years,I tried hard to become someone like her. to have her power. abusing? or using?? sounds funny.... when a power comes from abusing others how could using it be none?
Yes it is the dear aunt. The god of the family...the one who gives orders to all. the one who takes charge. The one who controls all deaths and lives. The one who kicked my mom out, The one who killed my dad, The one who made my brother....,the one who made me the most sufferring in life and the one whom I am confronting and experiencing so many problems. It is an year. almost a whole year....and yet that Parent (PC) holds so much POWER!!!
the aunt.....
It's her voice on the answering machine;".....for dad's sake,I'm your aunt.shouldn't you give me a call?....."
And I experience mixed up feelings.'fear,anger,joy....'
Fear of the possible punishment.I have seen how she would beat up her own girl beofre my very eyes.Her body was always bruised.I haven't taken care you my GOD. I haven't pleased you.I haven't been a good girl.I disobeyed..... don't worry I'll do what you did instead,I promise to be you,to be your good girl.You never huged me ,I won't do that too. You wanted to hear lies,I make up lie stories for you, You wanted to hear my mom is bad,I am always able to comeup with bad stuffs about my mom.... Just don't punish me the way you do punish your girls.... Your hands are heavier than mine....I'll do that instead. I'll never be a woman like my mom,don't worry.
Anger;Let a go of me. I'm not able to takecare of myself,I'm not able to decide for myself,I'm not able to trust myself,I'm not able to love myself...I'm a not ok,lazy,crazy child.......so I beg YOU to let a go of me.Which is a lie....I make no sense without you...stay with me,so I make sense.
Joy; how well does it feel to have some innocent,passive creator in the hands and do whatever you wish with her.....and she always following,worshipping ,the witch.
But does she really worship? or maybe is planning to revenge once ....doesn't revenge bring pleasure or destructive satisfactions. How come self desctructive patterns could hold so much joys? a false hope of having a 'life after death.'?
Terhan,Iran,March 2003
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Daddy's Good Girl
It was Dark,The well was so dark and high and I was trapped at the lowest spot.
It was too dark,too cold,too lonely and too scary to be able to live, actually I am not sure what to name that situation.
It was too much pain,emotions all wrapped up inside,I had to be dady's good girl anyway, I had to stay dady's good girl,I had to prove that I AM dady's good girl.
Needless to say I really never could though,I always was trying so hard to be accepted by my dad, I did all he had taught me, I did all he wanted, but seemed to me like I am always not doing well enough to be accepted by him,I would search myself through others' words, I would look up at him,read him,dying to see his satisfaction proud of having such a good girl.but then I always was dissapointing him, never good enough, nothing was enough,I had to do more,more, more all the time. I had to try more,I had to be punished more to learn,,,,,
He even didn't call for me whan he was dying,I was forgotten like always..."I hadn't done a good work for him,I deserve his ignorance..." was what I thought then.
I used to be a fat girl. I had to grow up quickly ya know, there was no mom, mom was bad,she was kicked out of our life, as we were taken away from her, they told me so,they told me :" your mom isn't good enough ,neither for her husband,,,nor for her own children.." Mom was always bad, I didn't want my dad remarry,I had to grow up fast,food was good,eating was good,.....I got more fat, I would look much older, so dady would be safe,he wouldn't need to worry more, I would even takecare of my little brother.
But dady was always nagging that I'm not doing a good job,I'm not loving my brother enough,I'm not giving him enough attention...food was still good,eating was great....atleast dady would love me,enjoy me when I eat,he said so,I always heard him saying :"There is nothing else in the world that I might enjoy more as much as the joy I have from seeing you eating." Finally I made him enjoying me....yea!!!! food still was good, eating was a good thing to do for dady and me....I was getting fatter. Things were going on same and the same, I was learning how to get his attention.
All of the sudden my eating turned bad too, I was too fat and I was making him feeling ashamed before his friends....."OOPS I have done it wrong again" was what I thought, so now what? I should stop eating, but I couldn't, food was always there, he told me himself that he enjoys watching me the most,now what?,,,,what should I do???? I was confused, I was more and more desperate,,, I was sad and depressed...I was 18!!!!! but looked like 30,felt like a 40!!
I was lonely,,,,I started dieting!!! "Have to be his good girl"
Am I old enough now? Would he let me be by my own, is he going to stop controling me all the time? Am I allowed to do things for myself? Am I allowed to? Am I able to? AM I??????
Oh Gosh...it was a "NO" again, I was too naive to face the world, I was too weak to face the problems, I had almost nothing left for me,Dady had killed me and built up some madeup bulshit instead .......
Even the way I was dieting to lose wieght wasn't good as he told me so...
I was totally desperate, no matter how much I would lose, I would still see the "fattie mammie" in the mirror, but the grownup woman, Nothing was making me happy, I had learnt there is no good thing in life, and also no good in Maryam.
I got married,so everything could get repeated even worse than before,same bullshits, same feelings, same rejections and this time I had another help to punish Maryam more than ever.....
I started b/p ing since then, some one taught me to. so I could do both,bigne to make dady happy ,and puke to not make him feeling ashamed before others, BUT this time dady was already living in my mind.
I was a mess,It was a trap, I didn't know who I was :"A fat always guilty Child was feeling instead of me...An always complaining, critical dad was thinking for me :"I was a notok child in emotions and a man in thoughts.................."
I was 26 when I yelled for help and I met my therapist,all hidden, no one would let me to if they knew,,,I got sneaky and I started to really DO something for the REAL Maryam.
I was 26,looking like 50, feeling like the 8 years old "fattie mammie"...tired as a 80!!!
My life would be nothing but, exercising atleast 4 hours a day, shopping my binges on my way back home,binging and puking,I don't know how many times a day , the husband would come, over eating, being fucked or I better say raped, over eating again, hoping for some chances to get to the very safe toilet to vomit ,though never could get the chance, feeling desperate,disgusting......sleeping and the next day would go on the same...weekends would be the worst.
I started to stand up for myself,it wasn't easy,first of all I needed to get my divorce.
God...it was painfull aswell, but I made it. I was hurt through that aswell, but atleast I knew there was "freedom" somewhere out. Now I had my therapist by my side.
It took me like 2 years and a half to be able to talk about my bulimia to my therapist ,I was hiding it all the time, I was feeling ashamed to open up....But now when I look back I see I wasn't really ready to let a go of that pretty old friend of mine. I wanted to keep it as long as I could, "feeling ashamed " was nothing but an excuse!!!
The pain was so very much that I yet am aching...though I'm having a life aside now,I have my own set backs, my own slips,
I still hear my dad's voices, I still see the "fattie mammie" in the mirror,BUT I have a life right now and I am growing......although I yet ACHE!!!
"Don't Be,Don't feel, Don't growup,Don't................."and on and on.....
I stayed in that marriage for a whole of 6 years,I suffered from bulimia for a whole of 10.....
I am not sure I ever be able to forgive my dad,I know he was the Father,I know.
All he taught me was how to make a self pitty of myself to walk over people and how easily let them to walk over me.....I have absolutly no sympathy for people like him, like who I used to be.....
Talk to you later, it is hurting....I really am aching ......I still wanna be perfect,I yet sometimes am longing to be dady's good girl.....
DAMN!!!!!!!!
I guess no one would ever really hear me but those who got through the same....
Tehran, Iran, March 2001
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